I saw you waiting for a train and you disappeared

I want art.

I want cities and snow.

I want care-free wanderings with my treasured friends that live so far away.

I want to go grocery shopping and ride the subway home.

I want to go back to 80 degree apartments because the boiler broke but it's snowing outside so it's okay, while we smoke cloves out the window and talk about the good old days.

I am not sad or upset or anything like that.

I am just craving things I can't have, tired of school, realizing I will be here for 4 more years. I don't want to get older.

I have so much more that I want to do and see and feel and explore.

I'm restless.

I feel like I'm running out of time.

I swear that I don't have a gun

I am crushing on this shirt.

I am also wondering, is it now socially acceptable to wear a darker bra under sheer shirts? I mean, I always viewed this as taboo, something only skanks and hoes did.

But this actually looks kind of...good? And, dare I say, almost classy? (minus those shorts, of course).

Am I crazy? Has the graduate school frump finally caught up with me and skewed my fashion sense?

Let it roll, baby, roll

*sigh*

I am trying to finish my thesis proposal today. Okay, well I havent started working on it yet, but that's what I'm at the coffee shiop for.

I babysat this morning for the first time in, oh, let's say 10 years? It was awesome. This little boy is 18 months of pure joy. I was surprised at how good he was and how smart he is! It was a lot of fun.

Ugh. I am avoiding my proposal. More substantial entries later.

For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins

These are both mine. I won them on ebay today. I have an addiction. Which reminds me, I need to take pictures of all of my cameras. Camera porn.

I just had the most amazing night with my girls. We went to go see Eat, Pray, Love (which wasn't as cheeky and girly as I thought it would be) and then smoked hookah for 2 hours and talked about life. I feel really good right now.

You can lay your worries down and stay with me

I am sitting in my favorite coffee shop, wearing a great outfit and sipping a Tortuga micro-lot.

There is a group of cute old ladies, all drinking decaf cafe au-laits, gossiping about whatever and about how potassium lowers your blood pressure. I hope that I sit around with my girlfriends and gossip. I want to be that grandma.

I received the most amazing email from my father yesterday:

"You AMAZE me....I'm the luckiest dad in the world to have you for my daughter.....you are a special person Sara....don't ever forget it.

And...congratulations on your "A" too!! I always knew you would outshine them all.

Love

Dad"

I smiled for a long time at that. I mean, I know my father things all of those things about me, but it was still special.

I feel like most of my friends dislike their parents. I have the best parents in the world, I'm convinced, and I feel so lucky for it. They are supportive of me in everything that I do, but still tell me their opinions in a constructive way so I don't do anything stupid. I love talking to them about life, sobriety, school, whatever crosses our conversations. I swear they always have some sage advice tucked away in their brains.

This post is somewhat rambling, but that's okay.

God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime

I've been very nostalgic lately. It seems like every song, every smell, every street reminds me of a moment in my past. Not in a bad way, but it is rather confusing. I'm not really sure why all of this stuff is coming up now. I mean, I see most of these places and hear most of these songs every week. I'm sure there's a reason, I just don't quite know what it is yet.

My dreams have been crazy, too. And I remember them so vividly! I was explaining one of them to my *cough* therapist, and even she was surprised at how much I remembered. They are filled with weird adventures and people from my life that don't know each other. She thinks they mean that I am letting go of some things from my past. I think they mean that I'm chasing something that's not there anymore.

I don't know if this sounds like a sad post or not, I'm not sad. But it is weird to be stuck in this place where I'm constantly bombarded with memories of things that I thought were completely behind me. And they're not all bad memories, just...weird. I guess I don't know how to explain it.

In other news, there really isn't any news. No news is good news, right? I have tons of writing to do this week. And I will be taking some pictures, if it kills me and means I have to skip sleep or meals.

I'm on my way to believing

I haven't taken any photographs of substance in months.
I am slowly going insane from lack of filmage.

I'm starting to put nonsense on my tumblr page. No life updates, just junk.

enjoy.

Catch a ship across the sea

se·ren·i·ty   /səˈrɛnɪti/  [suh-ren-i-tee]

the state or quality of being serene, calm, or tranquil; sereneness.

 
I've spent the better part of the last 3 years trying to find out what actual serenity is, and maybe even attaining it for a little while. I can tell you that I am closer to knowing its true meaning. I can also tell you that serenity is not what I always thought it would be. For example, although I would like it to be, serenity is not the 4 servings of Twix that I just ate, or the Snickers bar that I ate before that.
 
Moments of serenity:

• riding my bike downtown on a cool spring day, listening to my favorite plalist of the moment
• taking a yoga class
• shooting black and white film
• eating raspberry sorbet on my porch swing
• making tea and sipping it out of my favorite mug(s)
• laughing with girlfriends over brunch
• going to the farmers market, embracing my inner hippie and buying local produce

Life is so much better than I ever thought it could be. Funny how that happens.