And we're slow to acknowledge the knots on the laces

I have a bad (but sometimes useful) habit of putting on a face for the world. So much, in fact, that I often forget how I really feel, and assume I feel how I look.

Anyhow, the past few days have just been the pits and I think I have a lot of work to do and little energy to do it with. I just feel like crap, and this morning I got a speeding ticket which made things even worse.

I quit smoking AGAIN for the 23847234th time. Can I just say for the record that I hate smoking? It is disgusting, smells nasty, feels gross and costs money. I still don't know why I have such a hard time stopping "for real this time".

I will never say that I am fat, but I feel fat. I haven't been to the gym in months, mostly because I feel negatively about my body (very logical, right?). Some of it is lack of motivation, some of it is the fact that I have joint pain in every single one of my joints. I really can't imagine that other 26 year old women feel this way.

I know I was late to jump on the female friend bandwagon, and I'm really grateful for my friends that I have. But, I can't help but wish I had a small group of friends that liked each other so we could do things together. I find myself longing for "girly-girl" time, which is so not me. I want friends that I can sit around in my pj's with, eat junk food with, paint my nails with, blah blah. I feel so awkward sometimes.

So, things aren't that bad. I guess I'm just feeling a little whiny and probably need a big cry. It's also that time of the month, I just realized. As I get older, these times become less about bitching and more about sobbing. Jesus, I'm a woman. When did this happen?

I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still, I'm still an animal

I've been on a major shopping spree as of late.

I've purchased:

Not to mention I'm sort of re-doing my apartment so that I can have people over and not look like I still live as a 20-year old. I got a new loveseat, trashed my old bookcases and got new ones (albeit mismatched). One bookcase is brown wood and the other is black. But the brown one matches my stereo cabinet and desk. Whatever.

Got some living room accessories:

They come in today so hopefully it will all come together. I'm mainly hoping that the curtains look okay. And that my landlord paints over the ugly ass colors in my apartment.

Even though I didn't buy her, and she's not (technically) mine, Will and I got a dog! Her name is Molly and she's a pure bred German Shorthaired Pointer. She is gorgeous and the sweetest thing. Although, she is a bit clingy but I think some of this will pass as we get her socialized more. She lived in a kennel on the breeding compound, and while she had a good life I think she will have a more fulfilling life with us. She is adorable and LOVES biscuits (what dog doesn't). She knows them as 'cookies' and when you say "cookie!?!?" I swear she gets a big smile on her face.

And, I'm still trying not to buy that camera that I really want. A Yashica 124 camera = boner. I did, however, buy 5 rolls of film, two packs of photo paper and a gray card (finally). This arrives tomorrow. happyhappyhappy.

I always get the shopping bug when summer changes to fall. I'm not sure why, but it usually lasts well into the winter. Mainly because I LOVE winter and always want to buy tons of sweaters to bundle in. I really need to get out of Florida.

Life is good. Even though I am avoiding my credit card statement like the plague. I'm loving school and my program in general, excited about new things to come and really just enjoying the peace that I've found lately. Not sure where it came from (and I don't care), but it's nice to finally just "be".

I saw you waiting for a train and you disappeared

I want art.

I want cities and snow.

I want care-free wanderings with my treasured friends that live so far away.

I want to go grocery shopping and ride the subway home.

I want to go back to 80 degree apartments because the boiler broke but it's snowing outside so it's okay, while we smoke cloves out the window and talk about the good old days.

I am not sad or upset or anything like that.

I am just craving things I can't have, tired of school, realizing I will be here for 4 more years. I don't want to get older.

I have so much more that I want to do and see and feel and explore.

I'm restless.

I feel like I'm running out of time.

I swear that I don't have a gun

I am crushing on this shirt.

I am also wondering, is it now socially acceptable to wear a darker bra under sheer shirts? I mean, I always viewed this as taboo, something only skanks and hoes did.

But this actually looks kind of...good? And, dare I say, almost classy? (minus those shorts, of course).

Am I crazy? Has the graduate school frump finally caught up with me and skewed my fashion sense?

Let it roll, baby, roll

*sigh*

I am trying to finish my thesis proposal today. Okay, well I havent started working on it yet, but that's what I'm at the coffee shiop for.

I babysat this morning for the first time in, oh, let's say 10 years? It was awesome. This little boy is 18 months of pure joy. I was surprised at how good he was and how smart he is! It was a lot of fun.

Ugh. I am avoiding my proposal. More substantial entries later.

For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins

These are both mine. I won them on ebay today. I have an addiction. Which reminds me, I need to take pictures of all of my cameras. Camera porn.

I just had the most amazing night with my girls. We went to go see Eat, Pray, Love (which wasn't as cheeky and girly as I thought it would be) and then smoked hookah for 2 hours and talked about life. I feel really good right now.

You can lay your worries down and stay with me

I am sitting in my favorite coffee shop, wearing a great outfit and sipping a Tortuga micro-lot.

There is a group of cute old ladies, all drinking decaf cafe au-laits, gossiping about whatever and about how potassium lowers your blood pressure. I hope that I sit around with my girlfriends and gossip. I want to be that grandma.

I received the most amazing email from my father yesterday:

"You AMAZE me....I'm the luckiest dad in the world to have you for my daughter.....you are a special person Sara....don't ever forget it.

And...congratulations on your "A" too!! I always knew you would outshine them all.

Love

Dad"

I smiled for a long time at that. I mean, I know my father things all of those things about me, but it was still special.

I feel like most of my friends dislike their parents. I have the best parents in the world, I'm convinced, and I feel so lucky for it. They are supportive of me in everything that I do, but still tell me their opinions in a constructive way so I don't do anything stupid. I love talking to them about life, sobriety, school, whatever crosses our conversations. I swear they always have some sage advice tucked away in their brains.

This post is somewhat rambling, but that's okay.

God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime

I've been very nostalgic lately. It seems like every song, every smell, every street reminds me of a moment in my past. Not in a bad way, but it is rather confusing. I'm not really sure why all of this stuff is coming up now. I mean, I see most of these places and hear most of these songs every week. I'm sure there's a reason, I just don't quite know what it is yet.

My dreams have been crazy, too. And I remember them so vividly! I was explaining one of them to my *cough* therapist, and even she was surprised at how much I remembered. They are filled with weird adventures and people from my life that don't know each other. She thinks they mean that I am letting go of some things from my past. I think they mean that I'm chasing something that's not there anymore.

I don't know if this sounds like a sad post or not, I'm not sad. But it is weird to be stuck in this place where I'm constantly bombarded with memories of things that I thought were completely behind me. And they're not all bad memories, just...weird. I guess I don't know how to explain it.

In other news, there really isn't any news. No news is good news, right? I have tons of writing to do this week. And I will be taking some pictures, if it kills me and means I have to skip sleep or meals.

I'm on my way to believing

I haven't taken any photographs of substance in months.
I am slowly going insane from lack of filmage.

I'm starting to put nonsense on my tumblr page. No life updates, just junk.

enjoy.

Catch a ship across the sea

se·ren·i·ty   /səˈrɛnɪti/  [suh-ren-i-tee]

the state or quality of being serene, calm, or tranquil; sereneness.

 
I've spent the better part of the last 3 years trying to find out what actual serenity is, and maybe even attaining it for a little while. I can tell you that I am closer to knowing its true meaning. I can also tell you that serenity is not what I always thought it would be. For example, although I would like it to be, serenity is not the 4 servings of Twix that I just ate, or the Snickers bar that I ate before that.
 
Moments of serenity:

• riding my bike downtown on a cool spring day, listening to my favorite plalist of the moment
• taking a yoga class
• shooting black and white film
• eating raspberry sorbet on my porch swing
• making tea and sipping it out of my favorite mug(s)
• laughing with girlfriends over brunch
• going to the farmers market, embracing my inner hippie and buying local produce

Life is so much better than I ever thought it could be. Funny how that happens.

Children of the revolution

Why is it that society, in general, feels the need to compartmentalize everyone into sub-genres of cliques or groups or whatever else they can come up with? I've categorized myself as a lot of things, but if I had to, I don't think I could choose just 'one'.

Using music as an example, sometimes I feel like people make up ways to describe music so they can sound smarter, and thus inflate their position in society. For example, some of the "sub-genres" of "indie rock" are: garage punk, emo, post-punk revival, noise pop, dance-punk, baroque pop, garage rock revival, indie pop, indie dance, indie folk, lo-fi, dream pop, electronic, electronica, electropop, ad nauseam.

Now, I am probably guilty of this, but I am a music snob. I love music, I always have, and without it I would probably die (seriously). I admit that I like 95% of the music genres out there, minus some of the crappy mainstream music and some classical (I like it but I just can't listen to it for long). So where does this leave me?

Country

I admit it, along with old 'real' country, I like some of the mainstream stuff, too. I like to wear cowboy boots, drive trucks and work on farms. 

• Hank Williams, Eddie Cochran, Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard, Johnny Paycheck, and Patsy Cline right next to my Brad Paisley, Keith Urban and Kenny Chesney.

Classic Rock/Oldies

Ah, my roots. My dad raised his daughter right, and exposed me to everything he ever had on vinyl that would still play. He used to play 'House of the Rising Sun' on his guitar for me, even though I had no idea what the song really meant at the time.  

• Creedence Clearwater Revival, The Doors, The Ramones, Rolling Stones, Janis Joplin, Led Zepplin, Pink Floyd, The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, The Velvet Underground, The Who, ZZ Top, and this list goes on for far too long.

Indie Rock/electronica/indie folk/dance pop

Yes, I still have days where I let my tattoos hang out, wear cut off shorts with converse and indie-fy myself to run with the masses of hipsters that plague this town. This list is probably even longer than the rest put together, since there are so many new bands playing various types of music that are influenced by each other, like some sort of incestuous orgy that results in multiple eargasms (in some cases). 

• Lykke Li, Blitzen Trapper, American Analog Set, Chris Thile, Iron Horse, Broken Bells, The XX, Sea Wolf, Grizzly Bear, The Knife, Metric, Rogue Wave, The Shins, Handsome Furs, etc etc.

Blues/Jazz/Motown

This genre is why I feel like I was born in the wrong generation sometimes. I probably would have been the skinny white girl getting into trouble for hanging out with these people before the civil rights movement.

• B.B. King, Buddy Guy, Eric Clapton, Howlin' Wolf, Muddy Waters, Little Walter, Robert Johnson, Eric Clapton, Al Green, Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, John Coltrane.

Hip-hop/rap

I can actually rap pretty well for being a girl-no free styling, mind you. I love the passion and feeling that emanates from some of the songs from these artists. Lots of people write off this genre because they think it's all ballers with chains and huge bling and 22's with no talent rapping about homeboys, hoes and chicken. It's not. Some of it is, but some of it is actually good.

• Beastie Boys,  Kid Cudi, Rahzel, Kanye West, Eminem, Afroman, Danger Mouse, Geto Boyz, Jay Z, Lil Wayne, Snoop Dog, Mannie Fresh, B.I.G., A Tribe Called Quest, Wu Tang Clan, 2Pac.

So I guess this makes me a hipster-pimpin'-jazzy-dead head-redneck that loves all music equally. Where this leaves me in society's eyes, I don't know, and I really don't care.

For a semi-complete listing of my music tastes, please visit my last.fm page. I have over 1700 artists on my iTunes, so some of it isn't on there, but you get the idea.

And I turned around and there you go

I had such a good day! Breakfast, then to Orlando to see Sara. She gave me the sweetest card and two awesome movies that I'm sure I'll watch before the weekend is over.
Quote of the day: "I'll excuse the hat and just assume she has cancer." - I love her, she always makes me laugh.

My cat is giving me some serious love as I type this. I think it's funny to watch how animals' personalities change as they get older. Diesel has turned into a sometimes-lap-kitty, calm but still playful, and much more loving. He licks me to give me kisses, it's cute. Micio, thankfully, hasn't gotten any dumber, but he has sure gotten sweeter. Sometimes he gets on the bed and just flops down on my chest like a sausage, with front paws over one side and back paws over the other. He just sleeps there. Or he'll sleep in my arms. I love them.

I realized today that, for once in my life, I don't feel like the world is going to come crashing down at any moment. Things aren't terribly exciting, but I have a great life and I finally feel like I'm finding a niche that I won't get tired of. I didn't even realize that this had happened, which is kind of amusing to me.

I am pining for some serious camera time. I miss having some film in my hands, but it just gets so expensive. Why do I always choose the expensive, time consuming hobbies? I guess because the cheap ones seem boring.

I should really be working on my thesis presentation right now.

Come on baby, and rescue me

BAH. I am sick enough to be congested and have a terrible headache, but not sick enough to skip out on my everyday duties. I got up early, worked in the office, worked on/finished my thesis proposal, went to physical therapy, and went back to school to finish homework.

Then I promptly stuffed myself to the brim with awesome Mexican food with my honey.

School is stressing me out way too much. It's not the work load, or even the material. It's just that all the deadlines have passed, my advisor is really slow getting back to me, and I just want to get everything submitted and over with. All of the paperwork is a royal pain in my ass. I'm already half way done with my research, do I really still have to do all of this stuff? I wish someone would just make it happen, already.

In other news, I've been trying to restructure all of the bad habits that my brain engages in. Let's refer to it as the 'committee'. The committee decides, often for no apparent or good reason, to turn positive into negative, rational into irrational, calm into chaos, etc etc ad nauseam. Trying to change any of these things takes more effort than (I wonder if) I can make. I feel like taking the time to think about these things once every day, collect myself and enjoy the quiet for a few minutes is so simple, yet unattainable.

There are days when I feel like all I can really handle is reading LOL Cats, and there are days when I feel like I could create an entirely new integrated pest management technique for organic farming.

Bottom line: my life is really good. Even though I go bonkers every once in a while, I have things to look forward to, things to work for, amazing friends and family, a great boyfriend, and two pretty awesome cats. What else really matters?

Come on, skinny love, just last the year

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

I dropped off some film today. I feel like a child the night before Christmas. I can't sleep, I'm filled with excitement and I keep thinking about what I might get. I hope I'm not disappointed by my shots...

I feel like I need another job to pay for my film habit. Or, I need to move into a crappy, cheap apartment to save on rent.

No one is the savior they would like to be

Today was a surprisingly great day. I went to my first class of the summer semester. My advisor is teaching it, so I wasn't sure how I would feel about that. But, so far it seems to interesting and useful. After that I went to go clean my stink bugs' cages and feed them. I know most people wouldn't get satisfaction or joy out of that, frankly I think most people would be grossed out. But, I really love insects. Raising them from eggs and watching them molt through their instars into adults is the closest thing I've ever had to children. It's really an amazing growth process and it fascinates me. Maybe I'm just an oddball.

My trip to North Carolina was a much needed peaceful vacation. It is so absolutely gorgeous there. I really miss it sometimes. The mountains are so amazing, and I went on a tranquil 5 mile hike that I really needed to do. I almost didn't go, because I didn't think I could do all five miles without hurting my knees. But I did it anyway. In TOMS and cut off jean shorts. That was probably a bad idea, but totally worth it.

My longest, best friend asked me to photograph her engagement photos! I am beyond excited and honored. When I think about the women in my life today I can really see how far I've come as a person. Having these amazing, strong girls as friends is something that I really didn't know I was missing for so long. Sara opened the door for that in high school when she basically forced me to be her friend. It has proved to be one of the most important, influential friendships I've ever had. I'm so excited to be part of her wedding and all of the planning and craziness that I'm sure it will entail!

"Friendship is when people know all about you and like you anyway."

Dynamite with a laser beam

I wish I had stayed in North Carolina longer. It is so beautiful there. I felt more peaceful during those 5 days than I have in months, which is saying a lot.

School has already begun stressing me out. I have to finish my research proposal, submit an abstract (that I still have to write) for a huge conference in San Diego in December where I have to speak in front of hundreds of people, and I just started a class that has a lot of writing assignments. I'm mostly concerned about my proposal, which I have to finish, turn into a powerpoint presentation, present in front of faculty, advisors and students, and then defend it and answer questions. We all know how much I love being in front of people.

All I really want to do is clean my apartment and watch Dexter all night.

Little bit, little bit

Things are pretty overwhelming for me right now. I just have so much to do that I never seem to whittle down my to-do list. My field work is coming to a close, but is still taking up a lot of my time. I always have something to finish, and I hate that feeling. My parents are coming up this weekend, which is very exciting for me. I miss them a lot. It will be nice to celebrate father's day and my birthday. I have the best parents.

Diesel is being so needy lately. He sleeps in my blankets, in my bags and follows me around everywhere. But, he's so adorable.

Especially when I give him cardboard boxes. He thinks he can fit into all of them. I don't have the heart to tell him he's too big (big, not fat). Micio just sleeps under the bed or on my clean laundry.

Coffee at Volta. I love this mug. So much that I never use it for fear of breaking it. I do that a lot. Buy something because I love it and then never wear/use it because I don't want to ruin it. It's just stuff. I need to work on that.

A storm on the way back from the field (the one that I got soaked down to my socks and underwear in), and the sunset.

I saw a bald eagle on the way to the field one day. It was huge. I got a lot closer than this picture looks. Beautiful. I think my curiosity is going to get me injured one day...

My honey and his new apartment.

Bah. I feel all over the place today. Can't wait to go to NC for a break!

I just found a flickr account for my friend Kelly, who passed away a few years ago.

I really miss her sometimes.

I turn my camera on

So today I finally respooled some 120 film onto my 620 spools (How-to here). I busted out my Kodak Brownie Hawkeye (circa 1957) and loaded it up. I took two shots, just to test out the flash, etc. The bulbs burn out after one shot, and I only have 5 left, so I'll need to grab some more. Anyhow, this thing is so awesome I don't know what to do with myself:

 

On the left is the old 120 spool, then the camera, flash, roll of 120 film, a bulb and the Hawkeye manual. Drool.

 

The manual - old school.

 

The gray knob is how you advance the film. The gray button on top is the exposure control.

The red circle is how you view what frame you are on. The numbers are printed on the paper that is on the back of the film.

The viewfinder is the square on top of the handle. You look through it from the top, which is pretty neat.

I don't think that I will ever stop shooting film. I love digital and the instant gratification that comes with it. But, something about loading film, feeling it advance and waiting in anticipation to see how it turns out is indescribably soothing to me. I only wish I had the time/money/space for a darkroom.