And we're slow to acknowledge the knots on the laces

I have a bad (but sometimes useful) habit of putting on a face for the world. So much, in fact, that I often forget how I really feel, and assume I feel how I look.

Anyhow, the past few days have just been the pits and I think I have a lot of work to do and little energy to do it with. I just feel like crap, and this morning I got a speeding ticket which made things even worse.

I quit smoking AGAIN for the 23847234th time. Can I just say for the record that I hate smoking? It is disgusting, smells nasty, feels gross and costs money. I still don't know why I have such a hard time stopping "for real this time".

I will never say that I am fat, but I feel fat. I haven't been to the gym in months, mostly because I feel negatively about my body (very logical, right?). Some of it is lack of motivation, some of it is the fact that I have joint pain in every single one of my joints. I really can't imagine that other 26 year old women feel this way.

I know I was late to jump on the female friend bandwagon, and I'm really grateful for my friends that I have. But, I can't help but wish I had a small group of friends that liked each other so we could do things together. I find myself longing for "girly-girl" time, which is so not me. I want friends that I can sit around in my pj's with, eat junk food with, paint my nails with, blah blah. I feel so awkward sometimes.

So, things aren't that bad. I guess I'm just feeling a little whiny and probably need a big cry. It's also that time of the month, I just realized. As I get older, these times become less about bitching and more about sobbing. Jesus, I'm a woman. When did this happen?

I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still, I'm still an animal

I've been on a major shopping spree as of late.

I've purchased:

Not to mention I'm sort of re-doing my apartment so that I can have people over and not look like I still live as a 20-year old. I got a new loveseat, trashed my old bookcases and got new ones (albeit mismatched). One bookcase is brown wood and the other is black. But the brown one matches my stereo cabinet and desk. Whatever.

Got some living room accessories:

They come in today so hopefully it will all come together. I'm mainly hoping that the curtains look okay. And that my landlord paints over the ugly ass colors in my apartment.

Even though I didn't buy her, and she's not (technically) mine, Will and I got a dog! Her name is Molly and she's a pure bred German Shorthaired Pointer. She is gorgeous and the sweetest thing. Although, she is a bit clingy but I think some of this will pass as we get her socialized more. She lived in a kennel on the breeding compound, and while she had a good life I think she will have a more fulfilling life with us. She is adorable and LOVES biscuits (what dog doesn't). She knows them as 'cookies' and when you say "cookie!?!?" I swear she gets a big smile on her face.

And, I'm still trying not to buy that camera that I really want. A Yashica 124 camera = boner. I did, however, buy 5 rolls of film, two packs of photo paper and a gray card (finally). This arrives tomorrow. happyhappyhappy.

I always get the shopping bug when summer changes to fall. I'm not sure why, but it usually lasts well into the winter. Mainly because I LOVE winter and always want to buy tons of sweaters to bundle in. I really need to get out of Florida.

Life is good. Even though I am avoiding my credit card statement like the plague. I'm loving school and my program in general, excited about new things to come and really just enjoying the peace that I've found lately. Not sure where it came from (and I don't care), but it's nice to finally just "be".

I saw you waiting for a train and you disappeared

I want art.

I want cities and snow.

I want care-free wanderings with my treasured friends that live so far away.

I want to go grocery shopping and ride the subway home.

I want to go back to 80 degree apartments because the boiler broke but it's snowing outside so it's okay, while we smoke cloves out the window and talk about the good old days.

I am not sad or upset or anything like that.

I am just craving things I can't have, tired of school, realizing I will be here for 4 more years. I don't want to get older.

I have so much more that I want to do and see and feel and explore.

I'm restless.

I feel like I'm running out of time.

I swear that I don't have a gun

I am crushing on this shirt.

I am also wondering, is it now socially acceptable to wear a darker bra under sheer shirts? I mean, I always viewed this as taboo, something only skanks and hoes did.

But this actually looks kind of...good? And, dare I say, almost classy? (minus those shorts, of course).

Am I crazy? Has the graduate school frump finally caught up with me and skewed my fashion sense?

Let it roll, baby, roll

*sigh*

I am trying to finish my thesis proposal today. Okay, well I havent started working on it yet, but that's what I'm at the coffee shiop for.

I babysat this morning for the first time in, oh, let's say 10 years? It was awesome. This little boy is 18 months of pure joy. I was surprised at how good he was and how smart he is! It was a lot of fun.

Ugh. I am avoiding my proposal. More substantial entries later.

For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins

These are both mine. I won them on ebay today. I have an addiction. Which reminds me, I need to take pictures of all of my cameras. Camera porn.

I just had the most amazing night with my girls. We went to go see Eat, Pray, Love (which wasn't as cheeky and girly as I thought it would be) and then smoked hookah for 2 hours and talked about life. I feel really good right now.

You can lay your worries down and stay with me

I am sitting in my favorite coffee shop, wearing a great outfit and sipping a Tortuga micro-lot.

There is a group of cute old ladies, all drinking decaf cafe au-laits, gossiping about whatever and about how potassium lowers your blood pressure. I hope that I sit around with my girlfriends and gossip. I want to be that grandma.

I received the most amazing email from my father yesterday:

"You AMAZE me....I'm the luckiest dad in the world to have you for my daughter.....you are a special person Sara....don't ever forget it.

And...congratulations on your "A" too!! I always knew you would outshine them all.

Love

Dad"

I smiled for a long time at that. I mean, I know my father things all of those things about me, but it was still special.

I feel like most of my friends dislike their parents. I have the best parents in the world, I'm convinced, and I feel so lucky for it. They are supportive of me in everything that I do, but still tell me their opinions in a constructive way so I don't do anything stupid. I love talking to them about life, sobriety, school, whatever crosses our conversations. I swear they always have some sage advice tucked away in their brains.

This post is somewhat rambling, but that's okay.